Long Distance Love (An Essay)
By Camille Hourtané
“Loin des yeux, loin du cœur.” “Ojos que no ven, corazón que no siente.” “Out of sight, out of mind.”
Is it a universal truth? Does physical distance really mean the end of love?
Love is a mystery that no philosopher, scientist, or artist has yet been able to truly explain. It is a great paradox. It lives inside our heart, yet it can travel infinite distances in an instant. We carry it within, yet, more often than not, it is entirely fueled by an outside source of power. There's only one word to describe an infinite number of variations of a feeling that inspires poets, painters, singers, writers, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers, friends, acquaintances, and strangers while offering them all the shades of happiness, joy, hope, sadness, despair, strength, and abandon.
If love, any kind of love, is the closeness of two hearts, does it imply that closeness is not only one of feelings, but also one of bodies?
The Covid-19 pandemic has forced many of us to test this theory in a very personal way. How many loved ones have we stopped seeing due to quarantining, travel restrictions, and various health precautions? Grandparents, grandchildren, friends, partners, colleagues. Sometimes, we have been apart for months from people we used to see daily. We can only hope that distance will not turn us all into strangers.
Due to the complexities of international administrations, particularly exacerbated in a time of global pandemic, I have been physically apart from my husband for almost a year. There is an entire ocean between us. I miss him fiercely.
We text almost every day, and we video chat several times a week. Technology is a wonderful way for those separated by circumstances to keep in touch. It allows sounds and sights to overcome geographic differences. It's a great means of connection. And yet, it feels like a thousand kisses blown over video cannot equal a single hug.
A hug is a thing of true beauty. When two people hug, it's as if they are trying to bring their hearts as close as possible until they can merge. It's a physical expression of an emotional desire for intimacy.
But emotional intimacy can exist without physical closeness. It can even be reinforced by absence. A couple's happiness can be improved through individual well-being. Someone unhappy alone will be unable to find happiness with someone else. After all, lead doesn’t turn into gold simply by touching gold. People have to start within themselves to grow into shared felicity.
Separation allows each half of a couple to explore personal happiness outside the bonds of partnership. It allows them to find hobbies or career paths that bring them a sense of joy and fulfillment, to make new friends, to find unknown courage and strength, and to uncover aspects of themselves they did not know about. Solitude encourages self-discovery.
In fact, in my time alone, I have learned a lot about myself. I have realized I was relying heavily, probably too heavily, on my husband for certain unpleasant tasks. I had forgotten that I was perfectly able to do most things by myself, by the strength of my own back and the power of my own mind. It was not my husband's fault; it was my own. I had been choosing to take the easy road, rather than the road of personal growth. By taking charge of myself, I was able to appreciate our relationship more. It felt less dependent and more equal. Now, I feel a new confidence and a new strength in my couple.
As for physical contact, it’s an important part of many relationships. Be it a hug, a kiss, holding hands, or having sex, it’s a way to share pleasure and bond through touch. When that contact is impossible due to distance, it can feel as if an important part of the relationship is missing, as if it might be the end of that relationship.
If we compare relationships to a flame, we find that tall fires that burn bright and feed on paper do not last. They flash and bang, but with little true heat. Slow-burning embers are less spectacular, but they endure. They can withstand even the strongest winds because their discretion hides a fierce heat. In the same way, flamboyant passions often falter when continued physical contact cannot fuel it. But a deep-rooted love is strengthened by challenges and obstacles. Some time apart might even stoke the fire of physical desire, making the reunion more sensual than before.
I deeply miss my husband. I yearn to be in his arms, to kiss him, and to share a bed with him again. But that longing is almost sweet because it means that after several months apart, my love for him has not diminished at all. It is quite the opposite. I feel more in love with him than ever before. Even if we do not share the same house, I see him in the little habits I keep, like where I put my shoes and my keys when I come home, the order in which I wash the dishes, or the side of the bed I sleep on. But even though I miss him so much, I know that our reunion will be grand. It gives me hope during the moments his absence aches the most. It's how real love work. It brings joy and alleviates sadness, even in the most trying times. Distance doesn't stand a chance against something that powerful.
Camille H. (also known under the nom de plume M. H. Micah) is a freelance writer. She has written on a wide variety of topics, with an emphasis on gothic/fantasy/sci-fi stories and food, travel, sports, and society-related articles. She also works as a French-English freelance translator, covering many topics and formats. When she's not writing or reading, Camille loves travelling, hiking, and horse-riding. Find Camille on LinkedIn.